Once I hit puberty my clear skin began to change due to hormonal influences, therefore, I developed “Acne”. Which is genetic both my parents had “Acne”. My father was the only one out of my paternal grandmother’s children who had it the worst. My father developed it from his mother. My mother was the only one out of my maternal grandmother’s children who had it as well. Lastly out of the 3 children my father has, I’m the only one who had to deal with “Acne”. With everything that was going on within my body, starting my period at the age of 10 developing breasts, hips starting to widen, booty poking out naturally I went through a very tough time.
The incident that forever changed how I truly felt about myself occurred when I was about 12 years old. I was talking to a guy over the phone for a few months which during that time we considered ourselves dating. The time had arrived for us to meet each other. Needless to say, I was so excited to finally meet him in person. So we decided to meet halfway on this hill in my old neighborhood at a certain time so I was filled with excitement when I began to see him in the distance. Once we got face to face the expression on his face was the utter look of disgust when he looked at me. To add insult to injury he stated that he heard a then best friend was prettier than me. At that moment my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I’ve never been so humiliated in all of my life. I remember me running back down the hill to my home & never wanted to come outside ever again. During the course of my teenage years, I never felt like I was good enough. It didn’t matter how nice my clothes were, how my hair was done I just didn’t feel good about my appearance. I cried a lot people still talked about my skin asking me why I have so many bumps on my face. This girl & that girl only have like 1 or 2 bumps but you have them all over your face. Secondly, when you factor in I wore braces until my 8th-grade year of middle school. My breast wasn’t as big as other girls so I got teased for that. My butt was big naturally and was teased for that. At the age of 14 my hips began to widen consequently I was teased for that. My mother was a Texas native so being around her all my life I naturally have a “Southern Twang” in my voice and yes was teased for sounding country.
My mother & I have been on every form of “Acne” treatments together. We’ve tried everything from Retinol as well as Acutance which was very harsh on the skin but it gave us awesome results. Even when my skin cleared up it seemed like it still wasn’t enough. I felt like no one was attracted it to me and the ones that I did date lasted briefly. It bothered me that once I broke up with someone they found someone else & stayed in relationships with them for longer periods of time. Which developed into the dysfunction of comparing me to other people? I began to develop this mindset that oh he likes her because her stomach is flatter, or oh he’s more into her because she’s prettier, or she has lighter skin or, she’s taller, or she’s more sexually active than me or they knew I was a virgin and that’s all they wanted from me, the list is endless. I would stay single for long periods of time because when situations didn’t work out I thought it had everything to do with my appearance. My mother did the best she could by letting me know how pretty I was but I didn’t believe her. I believed that what the boy told me. Once you believe something it’s hard to re-train your brain to think otherwise about yourself. Fast forwarding to 2011 while on Facebook, I saw that the guy who made me feel like I was the ugliest person he had ever seen commented on a mutual friend’s post. Until that moment I had been looking for him on Facebook because I wanted to give him a piece of my mind. Nevertheless, I couldn’t find him because it wasn’t time. In brief, when I looked at his profile picture I said to myself it’s him & I sent him a lengthy message.